I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Of course I have a pirate flag
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
