Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
