I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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