I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I think I am morally bankrupt
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
