The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
