I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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