Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
