Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
