My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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