saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
