I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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