4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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