I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
