Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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