But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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