The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
