They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
