Capitaan dildo arrescate!
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
