You can't special order awesome
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
organizing the empties. That sober.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
