i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
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