Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
