Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
