I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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