I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
