On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
