Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
