who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
