He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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