I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
