the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
