It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
