Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
