one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
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