We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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