I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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