Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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