Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
