Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Randomize
