The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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