omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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