i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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