she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
