My girlfriend figured out who you are.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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