I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just had sex on a roof
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
