My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
We need to feng shui this bitch.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
