I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
