sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
