I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
