Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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