I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
